mental illness is no joke.
parenting is no joke.
put them together… hahaha, funny right? who would dream of doing that? let alone… three kids, in three years.
my family has a long line of mental illness. some of my family members will deny this. honestly, I am not even sure if they believe in mental illness.
it is all In your HEAD. was a frequent conversation at my childhood dinner table.
well. I’m all grown now and yep.. IT IS all in my head. it’s everywhere I look, honestly.
it is in the dishes sitting in the sink.
it is in the crumbs I have swept up nearly ten times already today.
it is in the pile of laundry strewn across my bedroom floor.
it is the shower that needs a scrub.
it is in the fridge with fruit and pop stains smeared from little hands.
it is in deciding what is for dinner every single night.
it is in the chips of paint from a highchair along the kitchen wall.
it is in the unmade beds in EVERY ROOM, from bed jumping on sleepless nights.
it is my best friends wedding… the one that I missed when my kids were sick.
it is in the pile of unopened mail, I plan on looking at tomorrow.
it is in the shoes strewn across the kitchen floor.
it is in the bills I know I will struggle to pay.
it is in the text messages I forgot to reply to.
it is in the the food piled sky-high on the floor of my car.
it is in making sure I get the kids to and from school on time.
it is in the unknown of my business as it weathers the storm of a pandemic.
it is in my desk at work scattered with papers and half-opened Christmas presents.
it is in those thank-you cards I have yet to send.
it is in the never-ending quarantine I feel like will last forever.
it is in seeing my kids wear masks and hating every second.
it is in the loss of all normalcy every where I look.
it is in that child with sensory-processing-disorder.
it is in his sister whom adjusts just because she has to.
it is in the sleepless nights of my baby whom has only briefly met my mother.
it is my lovers eyes, as he wonders if I’ll get out of bed after putting the kids to sleep tonight.
it is the look on my dads face as I see him getting older.
it is in the ask for help and the guilt that comes along with it.
it is in the pills I take in the morning to get me through each day.
it is in the schedule I know I need to keep so that I can keep going.
it is in the unforeseen changes which throw me off course
it is in the girl I see in the mirror, a face of a tired mom.
it is in the body, that feels a bit heavier as she has gained some extra lbs.
it is in the needing things to be perfect and the trying to understand when they fall short.
it is in the feeling of being ‘less than’ no matter what I do
it is in meeting every-single-other-persons needs except my own, because that’s what mothers do.
it is in my diagnosis.
it is in my history.
it is in my past, my present, and my future.
Yes… it is all IN my head.
-second mom club.