Somehow everything is different today.
I suppose I knew everything was different from the moment I first learned of you.
My last baby.
The last baby I would feel growing inside of my body.
The last baby I would snuggle on long sleepless nights.
The last baby I would gaze at day after day, hour after hour, moment after moment.
Somehow trying to imprint each and every moment into my memory in an attempt to keep you with me.
In these moments.
For the rest of my life.
I know now, how fast these moments go by.
And here we are.
Today. Your first birthday.
One year ago, I had the absolute privilege of holding you in my arms.
Of choosing your name.
Of gazing into your Dad’s eyes as we were finally blessed with the joy your life promised.
I smelled your beautiful scent.
I snestled into the softest hair atop of your head.
I nestled into every crevice of your being.
Knowing deep down this moment would only last so long.
And indeed… I was right.
A full year has eclipsed since your arrival in my world.
This morning when I awoke. I knew everything was different.
Somehow, you just looked bigger.
Less… me & you?.
I gazed at your sleepy, soft, sweet, precious face.
Eyes fluttering from sweet dreams coming to a close as the morning sun rays danced along the walls.
I hear grown-up feet walking the halls.
Followed by a second pair of smaller feet.
My middle child still softly snoozing beside us.
I somehow try to stay extra still. So still, as if I could pause this moment forever.
Knowing in my heart, that I cannot.
I do take a moment to soak up the privilege.
The privilege of being your mom.
Same as I did exactly one year ago today.
That God chose me, for you.
I watch you open your eyes for the first time.
I see your eyes beam with love as they lock with my gaze.
A not-so-gummy-anymore smile, an award winning smile, reciprocates mine.
I snestle into your curly, reddish hair.
I nestle into the warmth from your pajamas. Lingering in your neck.
You wrap your arms around me and I hold you for just one more second.
…And then you’re off.
You’re not yet walking. you’re taking a bit more time.
I’m not pressuring you to meet the milestones the way I may have before….
But you are on the move.
You have things to do. people to see. places to go.
You hear your brother and sister and long to join in their fun.
you look back, with your coy smile,
As if to say, “I love you Mum, see ya later. Thanks for being my Mum.”
I love you too my sweet baby. You’ll always be mine. And I will ALWAYS be yours.
Now go do ‘the things’ my Angel.
I’ll be here when you come back.
I feel a tear roll down my cheek.
Something, just feels different this time around.
The turning of a page.
The closing of a chapter.
The start of a new beginning in our life as a family…
The ends are always so bittersweet.
-second mom club.